We’ve been telling you for hundreds of years that this was happening, that our deaths were not a failure of the system but the product of it, that our deaths were happening, and do happen unjustly. So why now? The question almost hurts as much as it heals: why are you paying attention now? How many lives were lost because you were busy at the office or at the country club? Is it the quarantine? Because no one is working? Because seeing, to you, is believing?

     I wonder, why this must be a scholarly, evidence-based, encyclopedia-sourced argument? Why every single fight, every debate, must be by your rules? But of course, then, I realize everything is by your rules. So it makes sense to me, that you wouldn’t believe us. It makes sense that our words are not enough. But then, they will never be enough. You’d think, with all of your interest in my sources, you’d believe a primary one.

     If seeing is believing for you, then it is for me too. I won’t— can’t— believe you when you say you’re trying, you are anti-racist, you believe me, when I have not seen the footage. I will not believe you want change until I get every angle, even the ones you didn’t know about. I will not feel relief until I know the footage has not been tampered with. I will not indict the wrongs your people have done until the proof is on the bodycam.

***

     It has been two weeks since George Floyd was killed, live on camera, and for 13 days, people have protested nonstop. For the first time, people are paying attention. I watch the TV and all of the white faces make me want to cry because it feels like someone has come to save us, and I think his name is George. The story goes, St. George, the patron saint of England struggled with a fire breathing dragon who symbolized the devil, and he slays the dragon. George, meaning “earth-worker,” George, meaning changer of the earth, George, meaning the patron saint of fresh ground. Floyd meaning “grey-haired,” Floyd meaning aged, Floyd meaning he will live forever. George Floyd. The name of old kings. Thank you for all you have done. I am so sorry you couldn’t see this.

     The dragon, symbolizing the devil— aggressive, fire-breathing, defending the princess, always— each prince to perish beneath his knee. Derek, meaning “people-ruler”, meaning oppressive, meaning, I want to rule everything in sight. Chauvin, meaning chauvinist, meaning aggressively patriotic, meaning, America is the princess to be protected. 

      This can be no coincidence. This can be no game. We are black people, held under America’s knee for 401 years, this cannot be an accident. This is it. Perhaps, today is a day to rejoice. Perhaps, something right will happen in a world of wrong. And it is just that— everything feels brand new. The world vision, now, seems to match the year. It is 2020, welcome, we’re glad you can finally see.

*

     America, I believe has always felt the need to be saved from the very people she kills daily. America, I believe lets the dragon in blue do her dirty work, no one bats an eye. We have fought for so long, and now, in some sort of magic, people are paying attention. 

     I continue to ask myself, why now? And this, I believe, may explain it all. I do not know what I believe in. If God is a he or a she or just air. I do not know how to believe in fate when so many of us have died, inside and out: in the street, in the office, and in the fiery debate. I would like to think there is something up there, though I do not know how it reconciles its choices. But here, now, there is nothing to do but believe. There is nothing to do but pray, happy tears falling all the while. Somehow, in some magical wave of a wand, I have hope. Somehow, I have a feeling that one day, we could be free.

***

Check out these sources -- a lot of the meanings are true!

SOURCES: 

GEORGE FLOYD

DEREK CHAUVIN

St. George Story